Deposing the Monarchy

Friday 19 December 2008

Deposing the Monarchy:

Revolution on Harrison Street

Within my breast beats the heart of a cold-blooded killer. Not only have I sanctioned the death of a reigning queen… I have aided and abetted the revolutionaries and have, with my own bare feet, stomped to death dozens of her minions. Gone are my days of shuddering in revulsion. I commit the act with a vindictive glee… the worst sort of murderer with no sense of remorse and no desire for rehabilitation.

Today was the day I came to grips with the darker side of my soul…

We live on an ant hill… most of you already know this. Home remedies haven't worked. Ant repellant hasn't worked. Today Tillman and Sandy came to visit. And Tillman asked whether I have any ant poison. As a matter of fact, I do!! I get it out of the trunk of the car (because it was a purchase from the night before…) And Tillman (aka my "hired" assassin) delivers the poison to the top of the hill… which basically means he pours it all along the perimeter of the house. Then he warns that a follow-up raid should be made in a day or two. A hardened killer like me can easily handle that.

The other visitor of the day – Terry Frizzell – bringing a tile saw. He monitored James during a quick demonstration that practically left me biting my nails in a frenzy of nerves… And then left us to it. The nervousness continued all day… Fortunately I made not one, but TWO trips to Lowe's for supplies. This effectively took me out of The Worry Zone. I understand my mother so much more now. Somehow, if you don't see your husband doing something scary, you can pretend that it isn't happening. My concern was totally unwarranted though. The tile was laid perfectly and we only lost one tile (and that to a mis-measurement more than to a cutting error.) I was extremely proud of James today. I always am, but this is something totally out of his field. And it looks magnificent. Now in 48 hours we'll try our hand at grouting!

Flushed Away

Flushed Away

Thursday 18 December 2008

Love may cover a multitude of sins… But I discovered today that even two thick coats of Kilz primer can’t cover the sin of 1970s Avacado Green paint…

Wonder of wonder! Miracle of miracles! Remember waaaaayyyy back, on the first day I started my renovation ‘soap opera’? How my goal was to remodel the guest bathroom? Well. Today… progress happened. All the tile adhesive is up and away. James’ Drywall Disaster® is ‘mostly’ repaired. And the walls have been primed. Twice. And still the Avacado shines through… What should I do? I guess I’ll keep on priming…

You know, we signed the disclosures about lead paint. And I never really gave it another thought… Until today when I was reading on the can of Kilz and it talks about how you can cause brain damage by peeling or sanding lead paint. I read this immediately following a vigorous bout of peeling loose paint and sanding stubborn paint. I’m hopeful that our house doesn’t really have lead paint… Otherwise it’s bye-bye brain cells…

I’m kind of getting ahead of myself though. A landmark event happened this morning. This morning was the very first time I’ve ever been alone in my house. It was nice. It was very quiet… No dogs barking, no neighbors’ televisions or voices. I don’t miss my apartment at all. I got caught up on some photo sessions and then started working on my avalanche. I mean. My office. I worked and worked and worked moving things around, stacking things up, putting things out and then bringing them in. I shuffled and shuffled til James came home. Then I curled up and almost cried. Because, as I explained to him, I have this much space (two fingers about two inches apart) and this much STUFF (both arms spread wide.) But my hero is not a hero for nothing. We decided to go ahead and put a shelving unit in my office closet. It was a project for later that suddenly got catapulted to the top of the priority list. Though it required yet another trip to Lowe’s it was one of the first projects that has ever been completed (beginning to end) in one day and with no ‘snags’ along the way. It is the first project that was a genetic dead end. It gave birth to no additional projects. Thank goodness!

So I’m painting away in the guest bathroom when James walks to the edge of the door and says, “Lea, you gotta see this.” “Really? Do I really need to look right now?” I ask… because I’m kind of in the middle of painting. “Really!” he says. “Come look in the toilet.” Ummmm…. In the toilet? Are you kidding? But I look. And you won’t believe this… But there was a frog sitting in our toilet. A big one. And we have no idea how he got there because we usually keep the lid closed. The lid was closed when James walked in. In fact, we keep the bathroom door closed too… this is the mystery of the decade… How does a frog get into a toilet? And why?

Special Delivery

Special Delivery

Wednesday 17 December 2008

Today a very important thing happened at the Mayo house… A long awaited, much anticipated event. The internet arrived and moved in and plans to live with us forever. Welcome! Welcome!

And that’s really the only thing of consequence to report. Because really! What can compete with that?

I Kissed a Squirrel... and I Liked It!

Tuesday 16 December 2008

I Kissed a Squirrel… and I Liked It!

Ok, so it was really a chipmunk… And I actually blew a kiss to it… But maybe I better start at the beginning…

It all started around midnight… When James turned to me and said, “What were you doing eight years ago at this time?” Eight years ago was the eve of our wedding… So I replied, “Silvija had just manicured my fingernails and I was just finishing my toenails… and worrying… What were you doing?” “Sleeping,” he said. Sleeping? How could he sleep when in a mere twelve hours we would be embarking on the most important day of our lives??? I had a veil to worry about, heels to worry about, Dad’s tie to worry about… so much! How could he be sleeping blissfully away while I’m obsessing over every little detail?

James and I spent our anniversary day at Disney. During our drive to Orlando James asks, “What were you doing at this time eight years ago?” And I say, “Well, it’s 7:15… I had a hair appointment at 8… So I was probably getting ready to leave… What were you doing?” “Sleeping,” he replies. Sleeping? How?? Did he sleep the whole night through? Indeed, he confesses that he actually overslept on the wedding day… though he wouldn’t own up to whether he was almost late or not.

We went to Animal Kingdom first. After riding Expedition Everest (my favorite) we sat down on a bench to people-watch for a bit. It was around 11:15. I beat James to the question this time. “What were you doing right now eight years ago?” “I don’t know… What was I doing? Was I already hiding in the basement?” he asks. “Yes, probably…” I respond. Now, it sounds mean to say we made James hide in the basement… and maybe it was a little mean. But it’s not like a dank, dark dungeon or anything. It’s a full basement. And my brothers and the minister were all there to keep him company. “What were you doing?” he asks. “Well… this was about the time the disaster (which I foretold) with the veil occurred… and Judy Sessions fixed it.” Judy was our neighbor and was very crafty. She made my bouquet and floral arrangements and thankfully was also a wiz with stubborn veils. What a great day for reminiscing… Remembering that this is about the time when Silvija said, “Tell me when it’s my time!!” (She was my maid of honor.) Or remembering how, at the very last moment, Dad pulled a box out of his coat pocket, opened it to reveal a beautiful ruby necklace… His face when he realized there was no time to get it untangled before we walked down the staircase… Looking into my dad’s eyes before we took that first step, gripping his arm in fear that I would fall, the click of my heels on each step, the blurry sea of faces, my brother smirking at me, Silvija grinning, and James… waiting for me…

So we decided to leave the park to get lunch. We were driving along and discussing our best route options to find good food when James suddenly started pulling over. I automatically check to see if blue lights are flashing behind us… because we haven’t had a speeding ticket in like 7 years and we don’t want to ruin our record. But no… And I’m concerned… Car trouble? “What’s going on?” I ask. But he glances at the clock. 12:30. And he kisses me. Just like eight years ago. And I blink back the tears. Just like eight years ago. And I love him so much more now than I did, even on that most romantic day eight years ago.

We had a great (and healthy) lunch at Cracker Barrel and then went to Hollywood Studios. They have a new Narnia exhibit for Prince Caspian. It was much better than their The Lion, the Witch, and the Wardrobe exhibit. We met some characters from Monsters Inc. which was pretty cool. Then we really had to hurry because we have a reservation (one of the last available!) at Chip and Dale’s Garden Grill at Epcot at 6:20. So we hurry, hurry, hurry… and I even jog for a bit (which is something I just don’t do!) And we get there at 6:21. And they hand us a pager and say the wait is about fifteen minutes. But for once that’s fine with me because it gives me a chance to go the bathroom and wash my face and smooth my hair… And time to catch my breath from the run. The dash. The Olympic race. (See? I exaggerate.) And then, Behold! The pager buzzes and flashes its red lights in a display strangely reminiscent of some of the holiday lights in our neighborhood… And we’re so excited… But then he takes us up to the second tier… And there are all these kids everywhere… And it’s so bright. And loud. And chaotic. And I say, “Ummm… do you have a booth available?” I may not be as smooth as Edward Cullen, but I know how to refuse a table. So we have to wait fifteen more minutes, but it’s well worth it to have a nice, quiet booth. The Garden Grill is my favorite place to eat (at Disney) because characters come around to greet you at your table. We had the best ever server. His name was Patrick and he was amazing. He welcomed us with a parody of ‘Be Our Guest’ and told the funniest jokes… he was very ‘punny.’ And Mickey and Pluto and Chip and Dale all came to our table to visit us. And I blew Dale a kiss. I was kind of sad to leave because I had such a great day. I guess the blessing is realizing each and every year of marriage has been better than the last… Can’t wait to see what Year Number Nine will hold for us!

O Christmas Tree

O Christmas Tree
15 December 2008

Today I went shopping for my anniversary gift. James and I hope to make a nice garden in our backyard… and he wanted to get started on it as my anniversary gift. However, considering the major amount of work that has to be done back there… I don’t think it’s a good idea. So instead, I’m making my first container garden. It will consist of a tomato plant, two thyme plants, and two chocolate mint plants that smell delicious! I’m very excited about it! I’m making this to show off for my dad. See Dad? You can grow tomatoes here all winter! You should move here!

I’m writing this note earlier in the day than usual so I can upload it (from church) since we still don’t have internet at home. Today is the day though! Sometime between 6PM and midnight the three green lights should start to shine on my router… indicating that internet has arrived! I’m hoping to restrain myself from a six-hour vigil. I’ve decided to distract myself with deep-cleaning in the living room and dining room… the most habitable rooms at the moment. And if I can finish them to my satisfaction, I’ll put up my Christmas tree. And no, Jane, I won’t slack on the project to avoid putting up the tree. If I’m going to put it up, I need to do it soon. Because the prospect will only become more and more annoying the longer I wait. For those who don’t know, I haven’t put a Christmas tree in approximately five years. In a moment of unprecedented holiday cheer (and giddiness because we had closed on our house) I made a rash promise to my mother that I was putting up a tree this year in celebration. Well, the giddiness wore off. And so did the holiday cheer. But the promise remains. I’ve tried to get out of it. By asking. By begging. Be substituting a variety of things… like what if I put Christmas lights on my palm tree? *shudder shudder* Or what if I put lights on my indoor topiary? It looks a Christmas tree! Or what if Mom sends me a picture of HER tree and I tape it to the window? But no. Nothing but an actual Christmas Tree will do… So I’m hoping today will be the day. And I’m hoping it will be so much fun.

So I just talked to my mom on the phone and she asked me how ‘cold’ it is here. Cold is a relative term. Today it isn’t cold here. It’s 75 degrees. A few days ago it was very cold here. It was 65 degrees. At Mom’s house it is 30 degrees and there’s an ice storm in the forecast. Joy. I guess that’s what she gets for holding me to a foolish vow made in a moment I wasn’t thinking straight.

That's the Way the Cookie Crumbles

That's the Way the Cookie Crumbles

13 December 2008

Am I mean-spirited? I’ve never thought so… Yet today a mirror (in the form of my hero) was put before my unwitting eyes…

James and I have two terms we use. Neighbor Encounter and Neighbor Sighting. A Neighbor Encounter is when one of us actually sees - and engages in conversation – a person who lives nearby. This is tricky for me because I’m shy with new people and I’m trying hard to not just avoid a potential Neighbor Encounter. A Neighbor Sighting though! Oh, I’m an AVID Neighbor Sighter! This occurs when, through the window (house or car) one of us spots a neighbor outside… I’m very much a people watcher; I always have been. I have a vivid imagination and strangers fit right into that. Neighbors though… They are even better! This isn’t just some chance sighting of a person I’ll never see again. This is a person I can people-watch with impunity for the next decade or three. I’m thinking over time I’ll have imagined an entire life story for each of them. (Although in reality I hope we can become friends with them all and know their real life stories.)

So I was eating lunch with James and of course my chair faces the window… And we have a Neighbor Sighting! Not just any old Neighbor Sighting… It’s our directly-across-from-us neighbor and she’s putting up her Christmas lights. She had one strand already… But she was mostly the only bastion of Grinchy-ness left in our neighborhood. I was dismayed to see her bringing out more strands. She was having so much trouble though. It was like Dinner Theatre to me. I narrated for James and had so much fun. But about halfway through he told me how mean I am. :( And I felt sad. Because I was only trying to be funny. When she flung her arms into the air in the age-old gesture of despair I just couldn’t help but laugh… I’ve never meant to be mean-spirited with anything I’ve said or written, especially about strangers… even about James. I tend to exaggerate things for comic effect. But I would never want to hurt anyone. :( So now I must learn to balance my caustic sense of humor against my faulty good manners…

Next on the agenda was Craft Day at church. My favorite part of this was when Brye thanked me for “keeping it fun.” I’m glad to be building a good relationship Brye and Chelsea. Like I’ve said before, I’m fairly reserved… It’s nice to be able to drop that reserve a bit and be myself.

I went shopping for a Christmas ornament and a tie for Connie’s Christmas party. I went to Beall’s because they wrap gifts there. It’s easy. Then I treated myself to a Sugar-Free Vanilla Iced Coffee from McDonalds. ---You know, Palm Beach County is expensive. Walt always says so... And that's true. I have Sugar-Free Vanilla Ice Coffee down to science. They cost $2.12. So if I have two dollar bills, a dime, and two pennies I get one. (I don't have cash very often, so it really is a treat.) So I pull up to the order speaker, lick my lips, and say, "I'd like a large Sugar-Free Vanilla Iced Coffee." And I think, "I'd like six chicken nuggets." But I don't say that part. And he mutters something, confirming my order I assume since those magic letters popped up on the screen... And the only discernible thing he says is $2.22. What? An extra dime? Why? Does he realize that now I have to break another dollar bill and that he's cutting way in on my coffee allowance? And you know what, that coffee wasn't well stirred either!

Christmas Party at Connie's... The annual tradition... Bring an ornament, a tie, and 3 dozen cookies. Now an ornament, I can do. A tie, I can do. Right now... Cookies, I can't do. It would be masochistic on so many levels... Unpacking cookie sheets. Shopping for ingredients. Grocery shopping in any way whatsoever. Mixing the dough. Handling the chocolate chips. Not licking the spoon. Smelling them cook. Throwing away the one that sticks to the pan instead eating it to 'make sure they taste good.' I'm no saint and I've fallen off the diet wagon a few times recently. I can't face this down. So I abstain. I remember that we had left-over cookies last year... So I merely hope I'm not shunned forever for failing to bring cookies. I find out when I get there I was supposed to bring a beverage too. Oh well. I can't win.

Connie’s Christmas party was so much fun! The food was good. Lots of people were there. Jane and I wore our Santa hats and were so cute. Jane, Ron, James, and I sang our part “And a partridge in a pear tree” with gusto during Tillman’s Twelve Days of Christmas. (I don’t know if that’s what it is really called but that’s what Jane and I call it.) I get the feeling Sandy would have voted Tillman and James McDowell off the show if it really had been American Idol. I got a cute set of ornament photo frames. James got Jimmy’s autographed Duct Tape Tie. A great time was had by all. I guess the only difficult part was when I looked at Ron's food. Not that there's a problem with Ron's food. All the food looked great and Ron's a pretty healthy eater. But one lone Cookie of Glory was there beside his plate. White chocolate covered ritz crackers with peanut butter... and sprinkles on the top. All the rest I could have handled, but the sprinkles almost pushed me over the edge. This is the classic Christmas cookie my mom and I would make and devour each year. Then he bit into it and turned it around to show Jane what the inside of the cookie looked like... and the peanut butter looked so creamy. And there were little crumbs of ritz cracker. And the sprinkles were practically calling my name.... "Leastuart Mayo, Come to us! One won't hurt... Come to the Dark Side..." Agghhhggg! And that's why I didn't bring cookies to the party.

What Lies Beneath...

What Lies Beneath...
Friday 12 December 2008

You know, when we bought our house the bank that owned it had disclosures to make… Disclosures they wouldn’t disclose until we had put down earnest money and signed agreements. We had the right to back out, but we were pretty far in. James and I had lots of fun speculating what they would disclose… Radioactive dumping ground? Horrific murder? Grave yard under the palm trees? Happy or not-so-happy haunts? When the time came for disclosures we were pretty disappointed. Lead Paint. Possibly. It was a very boring disclosure considering we had already signed an acknowledgment that lead paint was still in use circa 1978 when our house was first painted. Disclosures are all well and good… Discoveries are another thing…

So anyway, once the jungle in our backyard was leveled (sorry, environmentalists!) we notice anew how rocky our lawn is… Not real rocks, mind you… Chunks of concrete. And we also notice that we have Florida’s only hill in our backyard. Never content with the million and a half projects we have going inside, James decides to tackle this nemesis once and for all. Armed with a shovel he walks outside, trips over a piece of concrete, and starts digging. And digging. And digging. When he calls me out later to view his project, I’m aghast! What do I say? A fairly decently normal looking lawn has turned into a war zone. It looks like bombs have been dropped. Lots of concrete is gone, sure… But lots of “grass” is gone too. (I say “grass” because it’s more weeds than grass.) And though my rational mind knows this excavation is necessary and beneficial, my less rational mind is saying, “Oh great. What now?” James has unearthed (besides all the smaller pieces already tossed over the fence) three large slabs of concrete. They are completely unmovable because 1) they are too heavy 2) they are still partially buried. And we wonder to ourselves… What in the world??? So James moves on to the ‘mountain’ and starts trying to level it down. The first shovel-full turns up a big piece of fiberglass. The second shovel-full turns up dinosaur bones. Really. At least, that’s what it looks like. I have photo evidence to support my claim! Not really dinosaur bones I guess… But definitely something strange. Many more odd things come out of that hill… including a tool useful in our continuing tile-adhesive-removal project. I shudder to think what he might turn up next.

So James goes over to talk to our neighbor who is adding TWO additional Sentinel Candy Canes® to his palm trees and singing his heart out to the music on his iPod… And James interrupts the festivities to ask about our mysterious backyard problems… And Ray is a fountain of knowledge about our house. He tells a most pathetic story. Ok, the guy who owned our house before… He had lived there three weeks. And the pool was so nasty that he decided to clean it. He didn’t know a lot about cleaning pools so he drained most of the water out and started scrubbing. It was a big job… He scrubbed and scrubbed… But he got tired of it and didn’t finish. And it started to rain. And it rained and rained and rained. And the rain seeped into the ground and started to fill up the space beneath the pool. Since the pool was nearly empty, it didn’t weigh as much as it should. And as the ground became more and more saturated the pool started to lift up out of its hole. And it cracked. And when our hapless homeowner called to get a repair estimate of $8000, he snapped. He said No Way! And busted that pool up and buried its remains. So James and I have an underground pool. We think it should be listed as a feature if we ever sell this house.

The Ants Go Marching

The Ants Go Marching… One by One… ...Hurrah? Hurrah?

Thursday 11 December 2008

We discovered a lot of things about this house after we moved in that we didn’t notice before… the jungle in the backyard, the chipping drywall, the overall ‘crookedness’ of everything… and the ants. Anyone who knows me well knows that insects make me shiver. Spiders make me run away… But all insects make me a little nauseous. (Unless butterflies and dragonflies count as insects. I like those!)

I woke up this morning and I stretched and I rolled over. And I gaped. I was so surprised I forgot to shiver! Marching in a neat and very precise line was a thick row of ants… down the windowsill… down the wall… out of sight… I quickly checked to make sure none of the little soldiers had made a detour onto our pillows or bedding… because James is ALLERGIC! So I feel a bit nauseous but I keep my cool. I consider. I have a bottle of ant and roach repellent from our first Florida apartment when ants started marching past our front door and under our neighbor’s door. (I was nice that time. I sprayed his door and his welcome mat too!) I can use it and obliterate an entire army with one long spray. But I know a bit about how ants work… Others will follow the scent trail laid down by these. More and more and more will come. Maybe the lingering odor of pesticide will eventually deter. But they WILL come. I need to kill the queen. Kill the queen and the hill will scatter and die. The best way to do this is with poison delivered directly to the top of the hill…. But where? The second best way is to give these little soldiers something they’ll take back to the fort… Splenda. Sounds strange, huh? They are attracted because it is sweet and they take it back to the queen… But if they feed her enough of it, she will starve because Splenda (while sweet) has no nutritional value. It’s a gamble, I decide… But I can always spray them later after they take some back to the queen. It was interesting to watch what happened after I dropped the open Splenda packet. The army marched on gathering it up and taking it away. The steady stream continued… and then slowed… and then trickled to a stop… Lovely, I thought. Maybe Splenda in large quantities kills instantly? Maybe they think they’ve done enough work for one day. Who knows? But they are gone and that’s what matters. I resolve to pour lemon juice on the window sill since I’ve heard that is the foolproof way to repel ants. It worked in my dorm.

After that excitement, I’m sure the rest of my day will seem “ant”i-climactic. Haha. James went on pilgrimage to the attic and I wonder to myself if he’s set up a shrine to the coax-hydra up there…? But no. We need telephone lines. Desperately. To talk on the telephone? No. We haven’t used a landline in years! But phone lines bring internet so it’s worth a little struggle. I watch James ascend the ladder into the attic. As his feet perch precariously by his toes to the edge of the top of the ladder I feel a momentary flash of the fear my mom must have felt all those years… watching my dad climb onto our roof. It reached a point where she would make sure one of his friends was going to be there to help and then she would leave for the day. I understand that now. I feel a sense of community with worried wives everywhere.

I came to a realization today. I’ve always noticed this about myself. But I’ve never put the concept into a coherent thought before, much less into words... - - I don’t like physical labor. I don’t like to sweat. I don’t like to struggle. I don’t like to ‘feel the burn.’ It came to me today in a flash. I’m an artist-scholar – not a labourer. I’m a thinker and a dreamer – not a worker. This isn’t to say that I’ll ever shy away from work that has to be done. But I gain no pleasure in it… Save a grim satisfaction that I’m proving wrong every male chauvinist who works at Lowe’s. I know how to work. I know lots of things. James asked me to bring him a spade bit today and said “it’s the one with the little teeth.” I brought it and said, “it doesn’t have teeth, but it IS a spade bit.” I’m not my father’s daughter for nothing. Some people run for the joy of it. Some people feel the need to be on the move constantly. I’ll be angry with you if you take away from this that Lea is lazy… That’s not it. But I live more inside my mind than I’ll ever live in the physical world.

So the phone lines. It went surprisingly well. Using a motley assortment of tools, I made a hole in the wall and fished out the line as James dropped it down from the attic. The first one went smoothly. The second one not so smoothly. But we’re a great team and we got it done. Most of the rest of the day I spent on hold with ATT trying to find out why I don’t have internet yet. Turns out we’re on the schedule for DECEMBER 15TH!!!! What??? I tell the lady… “I’m going crazy here! It’s been FIVE DAYS already!” She tries to expedite the service but there’s nothing she can do. I feel like I’ve suddenly been transported back in time to the DARK AGES! I feel trapped! Like I can record my thoughts, but can’t share them. Like a vast ocean separates me from the friends I know and love. Like my business will crumble and burn from lack of email and uploading capabilities. It’s too much for me!!! The agony! But… If she can’t, she can’t. And I can be reasonable. I only wish they had informed us to start with that it was going to take so long. Then I wouldn’t have had my hopes up with every stinking ATT truck that drove down the street. And they frequent our street so often, scarily enough. So we have brand new Cat 5e lines and no internet to run through them. Sadly, I learned today that it really won’t enhance our DSL that much… though if we make a hardwired network it will be lightning fast. Meh. Who knows?

We went to South Fork High School’s Winter Concert to hear Chelsea Keathley and Mike Craig. The concert was wonderful. So glad Dawn invited us. I’m amazed by all the talented musicians and singers. The conductor was also awesome!! It was nice to have a bit of time to escape from the ‘real world’ of renovating into the ‘fun world’ of Christmas spirit! I still hope to put up a Christmas tree… but is it too much trouble?

So I was getting sleepy before I wrote this… And thinking I might just go to bed. But when I went into the master bathroom, I saw… ants! AGGHHH!!! I traced them back to the same windowsill. I gingerly lifted the blind a few inches. Holy smokes! I’ve never seen so many ants!! This time I brought out the pesticide. Move over, home remedies. Major dose of chemicals to the rescue. I got a little trigger happy and James had to stop me. Now we’re waiting for the bedroom to air out so we won’t be asphyxiated in our sleep. The rickety rickety rickety sound of the bedroom ceiling fan assures me that the chemicals will be evenly dispersed into the whole house instead of neatly contained in the three lowest inches of the blind… Oh well.

Another day, another castrophe. And that’s been the latest ‘episode’ of the Lea Mayo Home Renovation Show!

Procrastination Doesn't Pay Off

Procrastination Doesn't Pay Off

Wednesday, 10 December 2008

It kind of seems like if catastrophes aren't happening, I don't have much to write about… As Sandy informed me yesterday… My renovation blog reads like a soap opera. And what's a soap opera without a villain, I ask you?

Today was just a random day filled with random events. We went to an appointment with Dr. Bronson this morning. He said my back "needs help." Apparently I haven't been exaggerating how hard this move has been on me. After that we went to shop for phone wire and phone jacks. Not just any old phone wire either… The good stuff! Cat 5e! This will make my 3mg DSL fly! I'm very excited about this… up until the point that James tells me I'll have to help. And he mutters something about the attic. I don't mind helping…Really! But the prospect of the attic frightens me! Then I learn that won't be required to "ascend to a higher plane" but I'm still concerned! I have a dread fear that James is going to fall through the ceiling. When we get back from Home Depot (Sorry Cedrick. We had a gift card!) we decided to have lunch – our first real meal in our new house. This entails all sorts of difficulties – from general unpacking to find necessary utensils – to full-scale "moving," putting boxes and small appliances in their respective places. All in all this session of energized frenzy took longer than I expected. And I was so hungry! So James finally fired up the grill. Yay! Don't have to trip over him for the next few minutes. ;) This also means pots and pans aren't really necessary! This is great because we don't have a dishwasher hooked up yet. There's nothing I hate more than submerging my hands in greasy, soapy, sudsy water to wash dishes. I will do it under protest (silent, internal protest, of course!) if I'm at someone else's house or at church or something. But I definitely feel like a martyr to good manners. So a no-pots-and-pans lunch is sounding pretty good to me! The menu – steaks and grilled squash. Yum! (No garlic this time, Sandy. Just salt and pepper.) So I'm continuing with my unpacking and trash-taking-out… You'd be surprised how much trash is generated by unpacking… especially when someone is a little over-zealous with wrapping her favorite dishware… *sheepish* Then James comes in with the bad news. We're out of propane. What about the spare? Empty too. See? This is what comes of being the world's biggest procrastinator married to the world's second biggest procrastinator. I have half grilled steaks and the prospect both of FINDING pans and then washing them later – by HAND! Great. But my hero really is the best. He finished lunch while I move on to another room. The lunch was marvelous. The pans are still in the sink.

It's time for church now and afterward we're thinking about watching a movie. Netflix delivered "Just Like Heaven" which I thought was really great. And tomorrow… back to work for both of us. Vacation is over and the renovation must now compete with real life.

The Mote in my Husband's Eye

The Mote in my Husband's Eye

Tuesday, December 9, 2008

It was the best of days. It was the worst of days. The best because we FINALLY ordered our cabinets. The worst because it took so long. Somehow our order got lost. All the hours we already spent drawing the plans had to be redone. It was very sad. Stupid Lowe's computer! Not only am I dubbed Leastuart Mayo in their system… They can't even hold on to poor Leastuart's order! I can't win! Fortunately we have a great cabinet consultant named Gary McNatt. I would highly recommend him if you are considering new cabinets. He's been very patient as we vacillated between cherry and white, corian and granite, this hardware and that hardware. It's been a painful process.

We also went to Sam's to refill our empty fridge. Ahhh… Cases and cases of Diet Coke. Well… Case and case, anyway. James put a two case limit on me. All this is in preparation for our first real meal in our new home. It will consist of Diet Coke… and whatever food particles go well with that.

Then we got home. And what to our wondering eyes should appear? The lawn fairies have returned! And mowed the whole back yard! And trimmed our "lush vegetation!" Wow! Joe offered to help out and that was generous. He was SUPPOSED to wait until we got home and called him though!!!! As it was, Joe and Gary finished the lawn before we ever finished with the cabinets. Many thanks to them for all the hard work. And many thanks to Lillian and Brenda for sparing them the morning to work on someone else's "honey-do" list.

James continued his diligent effort in removing the tile adhesive from the bathroom floor. Inch by inch, the bare concrete is exposed. Drop by drop, our sweat falls from our dusty foreheads. Well, James' anyway. (I told James today that he has to get on it with his blog; otherwise no one is going to know that I actually do some work too. He has to tell that.) So the crack crack crack of the chisel is cracking away. And then it stops. Blessed silence! Then a slightly quivery voice calls out, "Lea, do we have any eye drops?" We don't. But for once, I get to be the hero! So I make it to Walgreen's and back in record time with not one but TWO bottles of eye drops! Apparently a bit of tile adhesive dust has lodged itself in James' eye. Why didn't he wear the safety glasses I got him? Safety glasses aren't for sissies anymore, huh? So, overcoming my aversion to anything eyeball related, I look at his eye… But I don't see anything. So I drop in one drop from the sleek "cooling eye drops" bottle. I planned to drop in 2 or 3 drops. But his eyelid clamped shut and his teeth gritted and… apparently it burned a LOT! He didn't say anything… He just sort of panted. But I had to leave for poetry class. As it was, I was almost late!

Poetry Class - It was the best ever, imo. We had a substitute teacher. It was great for me on so many levels. Not only was I free to sit beside Jane and snicker whenever I liked (James has put a ban on me sitting by Jane at church) but there were also LOADS of opportunities to snicker!! This guy was so funny! (Check out my new quotes on my profile for a sample.) Definitely my brand of humor. I loved the part where Jane asked where pantoums* come from? He said the come from PantuomLand where the fierce hunters stalk the wild pantuoms through the jungles of Tahiti! It was hilarious! Our teacher looks like a character from my favorite online cartoon, so that made it even better.

Then Jane and I went shopping for our Christmas party hats. There were so many festive hats we could hardly decide!

While I was gone, James (by means I didn't want to hear or to contemplate) removed the dust from his eye… And then continued on as if nothing had happened. When I walked in, my hero had rearranged the living room… For the first time, our house actually looked like a home.

* http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Pantoum

Guiding Light

Guiding Light

Monday 8 December 2008

I'm going to confess… Somehow I didn't write this on Monday. It's actually Friday right now and I'm realizing Monday wasn't recorded for the generations to come… and all my adoring fans… So I'm straining my mind back to remember what happened then.

The most surprising thing about Monday was arriving home from a(nother) trip to Lowe's and finding lawn fairies at work weed-eating our front lawn. Joe and Lillian generously donated their time and hard work to a good cause - the Mayo home renovation. It's just the sort of thing my dad would do - showing up at someone's house unexpectedly to do something nice...

I'll record the evening because it was a lot of fun for me. I ordered plane tickets for my mom and dad. Yes, this did require a trip to the church building because no, I still don't have internet at home. I searched for a long time looking for a deal and finally booked them on Continental from January 14-21. It's only a week… but it's better than nothing. The other fun thing was searching online for gifts for my two brothers. I already have John's gift (of course) but Mom wanted to do online price comparison for some items for them and she doesn't use the internet much (…or… at all… if I'm honest.) And I STILL don't have a gift for Ben yet, though I have some ideas. Anyway, I love searching for a great deal and boy did I find great deals! I can't say much about the sites or the items (in case either of my brothers read this.) Suffice it to say that Mom's shopping for them is now complete. Yay!

It was dark when I left church and I had a fun drive home listening to Jason Mraz's most recent CD and singing along. I took a different way into my neighborhood. And it was strange. The sky was so dark. And all the houses looked like crazy, dizzying, blinking arrays of lights. I thought our psychedelic neighbor was bad! But no! He's tame! Ok, I saw a lighted life-size manger scene with a lighted life-size Santa and reindeer flying away from it. THAT… There are just no words for that. And I was wondering if I would ever find my own house! I mean, yes, you would think I could just look for the "black hole," the one dark spot in the neighborhood… But I was blinded! I was driving along wondering where…. And then! Behold! The Sentinel Candy Cane®! Remember the seven foot candy cane my neighbor put on his palm tree? It was a beacon, a guiding light to welcome me home. Thank goodness for memorable, extravagant displays of holiday joy!

There's Always Another Sunday

There's Always Another Sunday

Sunday 7 December 2008

We went to Jupiter today. James preached the morning sermon, but not the night. We are on vacation after all. It was a rush afterward because I had a photo shoot. Two girls aged 2 and 8, a mom, and a grandma. It was great! James and I also staged our holiday card photo. Yes, I'm running late, but I'm on track to have them mailed before Christmas! We went to Stuart tonight which is always fun. It was great to see everyone, especially Casey. Not much happened on the home renovation, but then, I didn't expect a Sunday to yield much progress in that way…

In the Closet

In the Closet
Saturday, 6 December 2008

You know, one of the major draws to the house we purchased was the master closet. Closet space has ALWAYS been an issue. I expect it always will be. I guess a couple’s wardrobe will always expand to fill the space it occupies. Today’s main project was re-shelving the master closet. This has been an awesome project for me because I haven’t been involved. I merely told my hero what I’d like to have as far as shoe space, drawers, etc… and then left him alone. I mean, I occasionally brought a tool or something… Mid-project I brought him a fortifying Monster energy drink. But that’s about it.

Joe and Lillian came by to bring us a full bedframe for the guest bedroom They’ve been so very generous and helpful. I don’t know what we’d do without our friends and family. I haven’t talked to Dad today yet. Either it indicates we’re getting better at home renovating… OR we didn’t get enough done today!! :)

I’ve been unpacking slowly but surely. It basically involved moving boxes from room to room to look industrious. I’d hate for James to think I’m not accomplishing anything. *wink wink*

I guess the excitement of the day involved our Dish Network installation man arriving two hours ahead of schedule. This wasn’t good… Because the closet where I wanted the receiver was full of junk. I swiftly moved all that so now our media room looks a tornado went through it. A violent tornado named Lea. So the Dish man brings a new resident for our satellite retirement village (Aka – the roof.) We have four of them now and sadly this guy didn’t take any of the old ones away. Mom thinks it’s hilarious that of the 250 channels we’re getting the only one I know for sure of is ESPN. That was the deal breaker.

Tomorrow is Sunday. Church and a photoshoot. Fortunately I bribed my client into an outdoor session so I won’t have to locate backdrops, clips, poles, etc. tonight.

Hurray for homeownership! I just wish everything didn’t progress at a snail’s pace.

Let There Be Light

Let There Be Light
Friday, 5 December 2008

You know, some things test my patience. Some things test the boundaries of what I can endure. Today… The ATT truck drove by my house. Now, ATT is a chariot to rival even Sears… Because ATT trucks deliver internet. That’s a commodity more vital even than running water, in my opinion. So the truck drove by, and later it drove by again. And again. And again. I resolved that if I saw it coming one more time I was going to hurl myself into the street. Fortunately I didn’t. Didn’t see it, that is. Sometimes a person is driven to desperation. To someone like me, no internet is like no oxygen. You might not think about it, but boy, you know when it’s gone. Honestly, people, even if I had internet right now, I wouldn’t be using it. I have a house to renovate! But knowing I can’t… Ah, that’s the hard part. I miss my friends… As the Flair says, “I love my computer. My friends live in it!” :)

Today’s great accomplishment was the kitchen light installation. After many hurdles, it finally shines as a light unto all the world… so to speak…

I guess I should give you a run-down on the neighbors… at least the ones we’ve met so far. Across the street and to the right is a guy named Mark. He’s a police officer. We met him a few weeks ago and have talked to him several times since we moved in. On our side of the street and to the left is Ray. He’s a surveyor. He trimmed his humongous shrub that was partly growing over our gate – and we didn’t even have to ask. I think that bodes well for the relationship. He’s also obsessed with Christmas lights. At present he has a psychedelic display of blinking snowflakes, a train, and a seven-foot-tall candy cane. I’m practically speechless about that… But then, I am the girl who hasn’t put up a Christmas tree in approximately five years. But listen, Brandy, honestly, I’m putting up a tree THIS year… and I may even send Christmas cards. (Though they won’t be hand-made… or even hand-addressed…) I’m experiencing an excess of holiday cheer!

The guy to the left and two houses down is named Gene. I didn’t meet him, but James did. He has at least two kids. I’m becoming concerned because I’ve yet to meet a woman in this neighborhood. I saw two girls walking along, but true to our generation they didn’t stop to engage me in conversation. Since they were power-walking I didn’t imagine I could keep up long enough to engage them in conversation. I guess I take that back about not meeting any women. One lady named Dawn stopped by to welcome us. She lives on Monroe Street. A random “welcome to the community” was much appreciated! Mark, the guy across the street, has a lucky green Buddha statue in his yard. I think that probably means that the neighborhood is full of positive energy… I’m hopeful we’ll make lots of friends here and shine a light to rival even our awesome new kitchen light.

Old Faithful

Old Faithful

Thursday, 4 December 2008

Some days you just don’t really want to talk about… Suffice it to say that Leak #3 became a geyser thanks to the “helpful” gadget called the GatorBite. Don’t buy that product. It doesn’t help. Reverting to the original plan conceived by James, and confirmed by Dad and by Lowe’s Complete Home Renovations, we finally repaired (once and for all, we hope) Leaks #1, #2, and #3. We also have hot water. Joy!

The Queen of the Arctic

The Queen of the Arctic
3 December 2008

Have you ever seen March of the Penguins? I love that movie. I love watching the penguins brave the elements to protect their eggs and bring back food for their mates. I love the stark landscape and the blinding snow. All that is wonderful on television… much less so when you wake up to an arctic morning. When I emerged from my blankets this morning I felt like an emperor penguin… Or maybe like the egg that got dropped on the ice and froze and cracked… When I moved to Florida I thought I was leaving the cold weather behind forever. In this house, apparently not. It was 65 degrees when I looked at the thermostat. Do we not have any insulation? Additionally, it takes ten full minutes for warm water to reach the master bathroom. Warm. Not hot.

Disaster struck pretty much first thing when I called to check James’ voicemail. PODS called. You know PODS, right? They bring the storage unit and you fill it and they move it? That was our moving solution when we weren’t sure if we would have a house before our lease was up on our apartment. The voicemail was from the PODS delivery guy who was waiting in front of our apartment for us to come down and tell him where we wanted the pod. Why? We’re already moved! We don’t need a pod anymore! Didn’t James call to cancel? No. So I call back the number the delivery man left. It was a Nextel cell phone but it didn’t ring… it went straight to a Nextel automated help line. So here I am, freezing, fuming, dialing 1-800-Free-411 to get the number to PODS, and hoping against all hope that somehow I’ll either wake up from a bad dream, or that somehow I’ll be able to talk them out of the estimated $600 the pod was going to cost us. Fortunately I only had to pay a $35 cancellation fee which was a definite relief! It has to rank as my best ever waste of $35.

I spackled James’ Drywall Disaster ® and the various other holes (mostly on walls behind door knobs.) We moved furniture. We measured our closet. We scraped tile adhesive. James climbed into the attic and I trembled lest he fall through somehow… But he returned unscathed. We do have insulation, by the way. We also have a lot of coax. Spans of it! Miles of it! We could open our own used-coax shop, I promise. This coax is like a hydra. No matter how many we cut and remove… we always find more… and more…

The big excitement of the day proved to be the delivery of our refrigerator and dishwasher. This was very funny to me because we had an “emergency delivery.” One of the managers authorized this delivery as an “emergency” since the delivery schedule was already full. Awesome, huh? It is funny when we are in Lowes now… we’re on a first name basis with so many workers… And the ones we don’t know… generally know us. I would highly recommend Lowes for a project like ours. Anyway, it really seemed like an emergency to me since it was 3:30pm and I hadn’t had anything to eat yet. Sadly, even though the fridge arrived unscathed it didn’t come stocked with Dt. Coke and Cracker Barrel sharp cheddar cheese sticks. No crisis is truly averted unless a Dt. Coke is waiting at the end of it. The dishwasher was slightly less exciting since it is still wrapped up in its cardboard. It won’t be installed until after the kitchen renovation. Seeing the devastation that has unfolded with the guest bathroom renovation makes me shudder at the thought… But hey, we demolished a cabinet PRETTY QUICK when that refrigerator didn’t fit into its designated spot! So maybe we’ll do ok.

I talked to my dad again last night. This renovating is doing WONDERS for our relationship… We normally talk like… every two weeks… for ten or fifteen minutes. I’ve talked to him every day since we moved for AT LEAST half an hour! It’s great! He seems so genuinely thrilled to share his advice and is enjoying this project vicariously FAR more than I’m enjoying it in reality. My parents are visiting in January and I can’t wait! I only wish my brothers could come too.

Leak #3 continues unabated. In fact, it has escalated from a plink plink plink to a steady swish swish. However, my hero, with the help of the book entitled Lowes Complete Home Renovations, and with timely confirmation from Dad, has a plan in place for stopping it once and for all.

So, to sum it up, the guest bathroom renovation progressed infinitesimally. The kitchen light installation progressed until the point we realized we need additional supplies. The refrigerator and dishwasher have arrived. The fridge is plugged up and running but has no ice/water yet and has no food in it. I still haven’t taken a shower in my own house. (Don’t worry though. I’ve taken daily showers at other places.) Goals for tomorrow include cleaning our apartment and turning in the keys, going to Lowes (again,) continuing the guest bathroom renovation, and completing the kitchen light installation. And remembering to wear fluffy socks to bed in the hopes that I won’t feel like a penguin in the morning…

The Day of a Thousand Leaks (and other misadventures)

The Day of a Thousand Leaks (and other misadventures)
2 December 2008

The sun crept over the horizon lighting a crisp (54degree) Florida morning. Sandy’s and Tillman’s house must be full of positive energy. I awoke serene and ready to start the day… the first official day of renovation. The heron was back on the lawn again. I guess that’s where he roosts. And I thought to myself how nice it would be to have a morning view of my own like that some day. My own wildlife will consist of the dozen or so squirrels I hope to lure into the back yard. Jane will find this amusing since I loathe Wrigley’s toy squirrel. So the day began auspiciously enough with a heron sighting and a bowl of Total with one-day-expired milk. And a Dt. Coke, of course…. Because Lea’s day never begins without a Dt. Coke. We arrived at our house with visions of washer, dryer, and water dancing in our heads. (i.e. Sears was scheduled to deliver my two favorite appliances and Martin County Utility was schedule to deliver that most sought after commodity – access to water.) Besides that, our goals included tasks in the guest bathroom: ripping out the old tile, removing the old vanity and horrible mirror, removing the medicine cabinet, painting, laying the new tile, and installing the new vanity and mirror. I dropped James off and left. :) I went back to our apartment to pick up some things (like James’ toolbox and drill) and went to church to pick up some things (like James’ sermon and some tools out of Tillman’s “office” *shudder shudder*) I called Sears to check on my appliances of glory, because oddly enough I didn’t receive EITHER of the two promised confirmation calls. As it turned out, it was noon and the window of delivery was 11AM-1PM. Convenient. I arrived at our house just in time to see the Sears truck arrive. My chariot! Bringing my masterpieces! Ahhhh… I’ll never forget that first glimpse of them… How their silver trim glistened in the sunlight as the cardboard fell away. Then: through the gate, BumpBumpBump over the terribly uneven pavers, and into the back door. Then with a ClickClick my darlings were stacked and *cough cough* ready to wash! Woohoo! Except… side-by-side washer dryer placement was ALL the rage in 1978… So the dryer outlet was too far from the water hook-ups. Lowes to the rescue with an inexpensive connector. Economically and environmentally friendly are we! We used the hoses from the ancient washer and the hoses from new washer together to form one long hose. $4 will solve ALL my appliance disasters!
While I was gone, my hero James removed the old medicine cabinet, mirror, vanity, and removed the old tile. He pretty much destroyed the drywall of two walls… and told me it was my job to fix that… Still, I think it was a pretty good bargain. We’re hoping a broken mirror doesn’t really bring bad luck since that was pretty much the first thing to happen during the guest bathroom renovation. Are we doomed? This is about the time we discover leaks #1 and #2. Both shut-off valves under the bathroom sink leak - - lovely. While I’m hiding – I mean – While I’m fulfilling portrait orders that have already been waiting several days, James is removing the old toilet. Yeah, the one with no tank lid. Well, I mean, yes… the one with the makeshift lid constructed of an old piece of paneling. But let’s not talk about that. This is when leak #3 emerges… by far the worst leak of the day. In fact, even as I write this I can hear the plink plink plink of water on aluminum – James’ makeshift drainage system.
Somewhere in the midst of all this my hero found time to remove the old broken light from the front porch and install my new one (clearanced to $13 from $60 at Lowes.) And it looks amazingly wonderful. We put in a high efficiency bulb and stand back in the driveway to admire it. I think that’s the moment when I thought – Wow. We own this house.
The kitchen light wasn’t so easy. This was probably the biggest surprise of the day. When the very old, very huge, very square vintage 1970s light fixture came down… We discovered that there was no outlet box (holding the wires.) Not only that, there was no stud holding the light fixture! It clung there for 30 years by two screws and some drywall! 30 years! Yet, I had the feeling of having escaped death by light fixture. Because a light fixture falling on my head is NOT the way I want to go. As Brye and I decided, death by Dt. Coke is definitely the preferred way to go.
So, to Lowes, where we purchase our first ever lumber. *shudder shudder* I even hate to go to that side of the store, but we did… and we shopped… and we purchased… and we even fit it in the car. Yes, James is the master packer when it comes to fitting things in cars that don’t really go in cars. (And yes, Jane, he does intend to come to your house and put the lawn mower in the trunk.) So anyway, these 2x4s will brace our very new, very sleek, very awesome light fixture (that works.) And we bought an outlet box to house the wires. I also, during a phone consultation with good old Dad, chose spackle, putty knives, and patch material for James’ Drywall Disaster ® in the guest bathroom (as well as the door knob shaped hole behind each door in our house.)
About this time we remember we didn’t bring our sheets from our apartment yet. (It’s about 10PM.) But fortunately we unpack a brand new set we purchased at Linens and Things when they had sheets half-price. And fortunately we have a brand new washer and dryer combo that’s just dying to be tried out! And fortunately the Sears people stacked them and SAID they were ready. And fortunately James rigged the hoses with $4 in weird connectors. So all’s well, right? Except that, oddly enough, the hole for the dryer hose wasn’t big enough. So, shivering in the cold and wielding a flashlight and assorted tools, my hero braves the night (and the stucco) and enlarges the hole and fixes it all. (Though it took a while… And I was sleepy… And I just wanted to wash my sheets and dry my sheets and take a shower and go to bed!) But there’s no hot water! Why? Because there’s some strange timing contraption on the hot water heater that we didn’t really understand (and I STILL don’t!) But that’s ok. Because James fixed it and the water is heating as I type. And sitting transfixed before my glorious washer as it cleansed that first load of laundry… Ahhh… I’m in love. And forever thankful to Tide because of the free sample that comes with every high efficiency washer. Otherwise, I’d not have any clean sheets to sleep on tonight and I might not ever get to sleep again. (At least, I might have to go to Wal-Mart to get detergent and that would make me very grumpy.) It’s about this time that we discover leak #4 which is, you guessed it, the washing machine shut-off valves. This was the simplest leak of the day because it only required tightening them a bit.
Just now James came into my office and said, “Boy, you’ve gotta get a light in here!” (Because no, oddly enough, though I have a switch, I have no light.) And then he said, “We can move the light from the guest room to this room. It’ll be easy.” Which it theoretically would be except that the switch I have doesn’t control that light, or any light, and there’s no switch in the guest bedroom at all. So we have one room with a light and no switch and one room with a switch and no light. Strange, strange people lived here before us…
So anyway, if we review the day we realize that not very many of our goals got accomplished, but it still felt like a good day’s work. I’m looking forward to tomorrow and all the tomorrows to come.