Deposing the Monarchy

Friday 19 December 2008

Deposing the Monarchy:

Revolution on Harrison Street

Within my breast beats the heart of a cold-blooded killer. Not only have I sanctioned the death of a reigning queen… I have aided and abetted the revolutionaries and have, with my own bare feet, stomped to death dozens of her minions. Gone are my days of shuddering in revulsion. I commit the act with a vindictive glee… the worst sort of murderer with no sense of remorse and no desire for rehabilitation.

Today was the day I came to grips with the darker side of my soul…

We live on an ant hill… most of you already know this. Home remedies haven't worked. Ant repellant hasn't worked. Today Tillman and Sandy came to visit. And Tillman asked whether I have any ant poison. As a matter of fact, I do!! I get it out of the trunk of the car (because it was a purchase from the night before…) And Tillman (aka my "hired" assassin) delivers the poison to the top of the hill… which basically means he pours it all along the perimeter of the house. Then he warns that a follow-up raid should be made in a day or two. A hardened killer like me can easily handle that.

The other visitor of the day – Terry Frizzell – bringing a tile saw. He monitored James during a quick demonstration that practically left me biting my nails in a frenzy of nerves… And then left us to it. The nervousness continued all day… Fortunately I made not one, but TWO trips to Lowe's for supplies. This effectively took me out of The Worry Zone. I understand my mother so much more now. Somehow, if you don't see your husband doing something scary, you can pretend that it isn't happening. My concern was totally unwarranted though. The tile was laid perfectly and we only lost one tile (and that to a mis-measurement more than to a cutting error.) I was extremely proud of James today. I always am, but this is something totally out of his field. And it looks magnificent. Now in 48 hours we'll try our hand at grouting!

Flushed Away

Flushed Away

Thursday 18 December 2008

Love may cover a multitude of sins… But I discovered today that even two thick coats of Kilz primer can’t cover the sin of 1970s Avacado Green paint…

Wonder of wonder! Miracle of miracles! Remember waaaaayyyy back, on the first day I started my renovation ‘soap opera’? How my goal was to remodel the guest bathroom? Well. Today… progress happened. All the tile adhesive is up and away. James’ Drywall Disaster® is ‘mostly’ repaired. And the walls have been primed. Twice. And still the Avacado shines through… What should I do? I guess I’ll keep on priming…

You know, we signed the disclosures about lead paint. And I never really gave it another thought… Until today when I was reading on the can of Kilz and it talks about how you can cause brain damage by peeling or sanding lead paint. I read this immediately following a vigorous bout of peeling loose paint and sanding stubborn paint. I’m hopeful that our house doesn’t really have lead paint… Otherwise it’s bye-bye brain cells…

I’m kind of getting ahead of myself though. A landmark event happened this morning. This morning was the very first time I’ve ever been alone in my house. It was nice. It was very quiet… No dogs barking, no neighbors’ televisions or voices. I don’t miss my apartment at all. I got caught up on some photo sessions and then started working on my avalanche. I mean. My office. I worked and worked and worked moving things around, stacking things up, putting things out and then bringing them in. I shuffled and shuffled til James came home. Then I curled up and almost cried. Because, as I explained to him, I have this much space (two fingers about two inches apart) and this much STUFF (both arms spread wide.) But my hero is not a hero for nothing. We decided to go ahead and put a shelving unit in my office closet. It was a project for later that suddenly got catapulted to the top of the priority list. Though it required yet another trip to Lowe’s it was one of the first projects that has ever been completed (beginning to end) in one day and with no ‘snags’ along the way. It is the first project that was a genetic dead end. It gave birth to no additional projects. Thank goodness!

So I’m painting away in the guest bathroom when James walks to the edge of the door and says, “Lea, you gotta see this.” “Really? Do I really need to look right now?” I ask… because I’m kind of in the middle of painting. “Really!” he says. “Come look in the toilet.” Ummmm…. In the toilet? Are you kidding? But I look. And you won’t believe this… But there was a frog sitting in our toilet. A big one. And we have no idea how he got there because we usually keep the lid closed. The lid was closed when James walked in. In fact, we keep the bathroom door closed too… this is the mystery of the decade… How does a frog get into a toilet? And why?

Special Delivery

Special Delivery

Wednesday 17 December 2008

Today a very important thing happened at the Mayo house… A long awaited, much anticipated event. The internet arrived and moved in and plans to live with us forever. Welcome! Welcome!

And that’s really the only thing of consequence to report. Because really! What can compete with that?

I Kissed a Squirrel... and I Liked It!

Tuesday 16 December 2008

I Kissed a Squirrel… and I Liked It!

Ok, so it was really a chipmunk… And I actually blew a kiss to it… But maybe I better start at the beginning…

It all started around midnight… When James turned to me and said, “What were you doing eight years ago at this time?” Eight years ago was the eve of our wedding… So I replied, “Silvija had just manicured my fingernails and I was just finishing my toenails… and worrying… What were you doing?” “Sleeping,” he said. Sleeping? How could he sleep when in a mere twelve hours we would be embarking on the most important day of our lives??? I had a veil to worry about, heels to worry about, Dad’s tie to worry about… so much! How could he be sleeping blissfully away while I’m obsessing over every little detail?

James and I spent our anniversary day at Disney. During our drive to Orlando James asks, “What were you doing at this time eight years ago?” And I say, “Well, it’s 7:15… I had a hair appointment at 8… So I was probably getting ready to leave… What were you doing?” “Sleeping,” he replies. Sleeping? How?? Did he sleep the whole night through? Indeed, he confesses that he actually overslept on the wedding day… though he wouldn’t own up to whether he was almost late or not.

We went to Animal Kingdom first. After riding Expedition Everest (my favorite) we sat down on a bench to people-watch for a bit. It was around 11:15. I beat James to the question this time. “What were you doing right now eight years ago?” “I don’t know… What was I doing? Was I already hiding in the basement?” he asks. “Yes, probably…” I respond. Now, it sounds mean to say we made James hide in the basement… and maybe it was a little mean. But it’s not like a dank, dark dungeon or anything. It’s a full basement. And my brothers and the minister were all there to keep him company. “What were you doing?” he asks. “Well… this was about the time the disaster (which I foretold) with the veil occurred… and Judy Sessions fixed it.” Judy was our neighbor and was very crafty. She made my bouquet and floral arrangements and thankfully was also a wiz with stubborn veils. What a great day for reminiscing… Remembering that this is about the time when Silvija said, “Tell me when it’s my time!!” (She was my maid of honor.) Or remembering how, at the very last moment, Dad pulled a box out of his coat pocket, opened it to reveal a beautiful ruby necklace… His face when he realized there was no time to get it untangled before we walked down the staircase… Looking into my dad’s eyes before we took that first step, gripping his arm in fear that I would fall, the click of my heels on each step, the blurry sea of faces, my brother smirking at me, Silvija grinning, and James… waiting for me…

So we decided to leave the park to get lunch. We were driving along and discussing our best route options to find good food when James suddenly started pulling over. I automatically check to see if blue lights are flashing behind us… because we haven’t had a speeding ticket in like 7 years and we don’t want to ruin our record. But no… And I’m concerned… Car trouble? “What’s going on?” I ask. But he glances at the clock. 12:30. And he kisses me. Just like eight years ago. And I blink back the tears. Just like eight years ago. And I love him so much more now than I did, even on that most romantic day eight years ago.

We had a great (and healthy) lunch at Cracker Barrel and then went to Hollywood Studios. They have a new Narnia exhibit for Prince Caspian. It was much better than their The Lion, the Witch, and the Wardrobe exhibit. We met some characters from Monsters Inc. which was pretty cool. Then we really had to hurry because we have a reservation (one of the last available!) at Chip and Dale’s Garden Grill at Epcot at 6:20. So we hurry, hurry, hurry… and I even jog for a bit (which is something I just don’t do!) And we get there at 6:21. And they hand us a pager and say the wait is about fifteen minutes. But for once that’s fine with me because it gives me a chance to go the bathroom and wash my face and smooth my hair… And time to catch my breath from the run. The dash. The Olympic race. (See? I exaggerate.) And then, Behold! The pager buzzes and flashes its red lights in a display strangely reminiscent of some of the holiday lights in our neighborhood… And we’re so excited… But then he takes us up to the second tier… And there are all these kids everywhere… And it’s so bright. And loud. And chaotic. And I say, “Ummm… do you have a booth available?” I may not be as smooth as Edward Cullen, but I know how to refuse a table. So we have to wait fifteen more minutes, but it’s well worth it to have a nice, quiet booth. The Garden Grill is my favorite place to eat (at Disney) because characters come around to greet you at your table. We had the best ever server. His name was Patrick and he was amazing. He welcomed us with a parody of ‘Be Our Guest’ and told the funniest jokes… he was very ‘punny.’ And Mickey and Pluto and Chip and Dale all came to our table to visit us. And I blew Dale a kiss. I was kind of sad to leave because I had such a great day. I guess the blessing is realizing each and every year of marriage has been better than the last… Can’t wait to see what Year Number Nine will hold for us!

O Christmas Tree

O Christmas Tree
15 December 2008

Today I went shopping for my anniversary gift. James and I hope to make a nice garden in our backyard… and he wanted to get started on it as my anniversary gift. However, considering the major amount of work that has to be done back there… I don’t think it’s a good idea. So instead, I’m making my first container garden. It will consist of a tomato plant, two thyme plants, and two chocolate mint plants that smell delicious! I’m very excited about it! I’m making this to show off for my dad. See Dad? You can grow tomatoes here all winter! You should move here!

I’m writing this note earlier in the day than usual so I can upload it (from church) since we still don’t have internet at home. Today is the day though! Sometime between 6PM and midnight the three green lights should start to shine on my router… indicating that internet has arrived! I’m hoping to restrain myself from a six-hour vigil. I’ve decided to distract myself with deep-cleaning in the living room and dining room… the most habitable rooms at the moment. And if I can finish them to my satisfaction, I’ll put up my Christmas tree. And no, Jane, I won’t slack on the project to avoid putting up the tree. If I’m going to put it up, I need to do it soon. Because the prospect will only become more and more annoying the longer I wait. For those who don’t know, I haven’t put a Christmas tree in approximately five years. In a moment of unprecedented holiday cheer (and giddiness because we had closed on our house) I made a rash promise to my mother that I was putting up a tree this year in celebration. Well, the giddiness wore off. And so did the holiday cheer. But the promise remains. I’ve tried to get out of it. By asking. By begging. Be substituting a variety of things… like what if I put Christmas lights on my palm tree? *shudder shudder* Or what if I put lights on my indoor topiary? It looks a Christmas tree! Or what if Mom sends me a picture of HER tree and I tape it to the window? But no. Nothing but an actual Christmas Tree will do… So I’m hoping today will be the day. And I’m hoping it will be so much fun.

So I just talked to my mom on the phone and she asked me how ‘cold’ it is here. Cold is a relative term. Today it isn’t cold here. It’s 75 degrees. A few days ago it was very cold here. It was 65 degrees. At Mom’s house it is 30 degrees and there’s an ice storm in the forecast. Joy. I guess that’s what she gets for holding me to a foolish vow made in a moment I wasn’t thinking straight.

That's the Way the Cookie Crumbles

That's the Way the Cookie Crumbles

13 December 2008

Am I mean-spirited? I’ve never thought so… Yet today a mirror (in the form of my hero) was put before my unwitting eyes…

James and I have two terms we use. Neighbor Encounter and Neighbor Sighting. A Neighbor Encounter is when one of us actually sees - and engages in conversation – a person who lives nearby. This is tricky for me because I’m shy with new people and I’m trying hard to not just avoid a potential Neighbor Encounter. A Neighbor Sighting though! Oh, I’m an AVID Neighbor Sighter! This occurs when, through the window (house or car) one of us spots a neighbor outside… I’m very much a people watcher; I always have been. I have a vivid imagination and strangers fit right into that. Neighbors though… They are even better! This isn’t just some chance sighting of a person I’ll never see again. This is a person I can people-watch with impunity for the next decade or three. I’m thinking over time I’ll have imagined an entire life story for each of them. (Although in reality I hope we can become friends with them all and know their real life stories.)

So I was eating lunch with James and of course my chair faces the window… And we have a Neighbor Sighting! Not just any old Neighbor Sighting… It’s our directly-across-from-us neighbor and she’s putting up her Christmas lights. She had one strand already… But she was mostly the only bastion of Grinchy-ness left in our neighborhood. I was dismayed to see her bringing out more strands. She was having so much trouble though. It was like Dinner Theatre to me. I narrated for James and had so much fun. But about halfway through he told me how mean I am. :( And I felt sad. Because I was only trying to be funny. When she flung her arms into the air in the age-old gesture of despair I just couldn’t help but laugh… I’ve never meant to be mean-spirited with anything I’ve said or written, especially about strangers… even about James. I tend to exaggerate things for comic effect. But I would never want to hurt anyone. :( So now I must learn to balance my caustic sense of humor against my faulty good manners…

Next on the agenda was Craft Day at church. My favorite part of this was when Brye thanked me for “keeping it fun.” I’m glad to be building a good relationship Brye and Chelsea. Like I’ve said before, I’m fairly reserved… It’s nice to be able to drop that reserve a bit and be myself.

I went shopping for a Christmas ornament and a tie for Connie’s Christmas party. I went to Beall’s because they wrap gifts there. It’s easy. Then I treated myself to a Sugar-Free Vanilla Iced Coffee from McDonalds. ---You know, Palm Beach County is expensive. Walt always says so... And that's true. I have Sugar-Free Vanilla Ice Coffee down to science. They cost $2.12. So if I have two dollar bills, a dime, and two pennies I get one. (I don't have cash very often, so it really is a treat.) So I pull up to the order speaker, lick my lips, and say, "I'd like a large Sugar-Free Vanilla Iced Coffee." And I think, "I'd like six chicken nuggets." But I don't say that part. And he mutters something, confirming my order I assume since those magic letters popped up on the screen... And the only discernible thing he says is $2.22. What? An extra dime? Why? Does he realize that now I have to break another dollar bill and that he's cutting way in on my coffee allowance? And you know what, that coffee wasn't well stirred either!

Christmas Party at Connie's... The annual tradition... Bring an ornament, a tie, and 3 dozen cookies. Now an ornament, I can do. A tie, I can do. Right now... Cookies, I can't do. It would be masochistic on so many levels... Unpacking cookie sheets. Shopping for ingredients. Grocery shopping in any way whatsoever. Mixing the dough. Handling the chocolate chips. Not licking the spoon. Smelling them cook. Throwing away the one that sticks to the pan instead eating it to 'make sure they taste good.' I'm no saint and I've fallen off the diet wagon a few times recently. I can't face this down. So I abstain. I remember that we had left-over cookies last year... So I merely hope I'm not shunned forever for failing to bring cookies. I find out when I get there I was supposed to bring a beverage too. Oh well. I can't win.

Connie’s Christmas party was so much fun! The food was good. Lots of people were there. Jane and I wore our Santa hats and were so cute. Jane, Ron, James, and I sang our part “And a partridge in a pear tree” with gusto during Tillman’s Twelve Days of Christmas. (I don’t know if that’s what it is really called but that’s what Jane and I call it.) I get the feeling Sandy would have voted Tillman and James McDowell off the show if it really had been American Idol. I got a cute set of ornament photo frames. James got Jimmy’s autographed Duct Tape Tie. A great time was had by all. I guess the only difficult part was when I looked at Ron's food. Not that there's a problem with Ron's food. All the food looked great and Ron's a pretty healthy eater. But one lone Cookie of Glory was there beside his plate. White chocolate covered ritz crackers with peanut butter... and sprinkles on the top. All the rest I could have handled, but the sprinkles almost pushed me over the edge. This is the classic Christmas cookie my mom and I would make and devour each year. Then he bit into it and turned it around to show Jane what the inside of the cookie looked like... and the peanut butter looked so creamy. And there were little crumbs of ritz cracker. And the sprinkles were practically calling my name.... "Leastuart Mayo, Come to us! One won't hurt... Come to the Dark Side..." Agghhhggg! And that's why I didn't bring cookies to the party.

What Lies Beneath...

What Lies Beneath...
Friday 12 December 2008

You know, when we bought our house the bank that owned it had disclosures to make… Disclosures they wouldn’t disclose until we had put down earnest money and signed agreements. We had the right to back out, but we were pretty far in. James and I had lots of fun speculating what they would disclose… Radioactive dumping ground? Horrific murder? Grave yard under the palm trees? Happy or not-so-happy haunts? When the time came for disclosures we were pretty disappointed. Lead Paint. Possibly. It was a very boring disclosure considering we had already signed an acknowledgment that lead paint was still in use circa 1978 when our house was first painted. Disclosures are all well and good… Discoveries are another thing…

So anyway, once the jungle in our backyard was leveled (sorry, environmentalists!) we notice anew how rocky our lawn is… Not real rocks, mind you… Chunks of concrete. And we also notice that we have Florida’s only hill in our backyard. Never content with the million and a half projects we have going inside, James decides to tackle this nemesis once and for all. Armed with a shovel he walks outside, trips over a piece of concrete, and starts digging. And digging. And digging. When he calls me out later to view his project, I’m aghast! What do I say? A fairly decently normal looking lawn has turned into a war zone. It looks like bombs have been dropped. Lots of concrete is gone, sure… But lots of “grass” is gone too. (I say “grass” because it’s more weeds than grass.) And though my rational mind knows this excavation is necessary and beneficial, my less rational mind is saying, “Oh great. What now?” James has unearthed (besides all the smaller pieces already tossed over the fence) three large slabs of concrete. They are completely unmovable because 1) they are too heavy 2) they are still partially buried. And we wonder to ourselves… What in the world??? So James moves on to the ‘mountain’ and starts trying to level it down. The first shovel-full turns up a big piece of fiberglass. The second shovel-full turns up dinosaur bones. Really. At least, that’s what it looks like. I have photo evidence to support my claim! Not really dinosaur bones I guess… But definitely something strange. Many more odd things come out of that hill… including a tool useful in our continuing tile-adhesive-removal project. I shudder to think what he might turn up next.

So James goes over to talk to our neighbor who is adding TWO additional Sentinel Candy Canes® to his palm trees and singing his heart out to the music on his iPod… And James interrupts the festivities to ask about our mysterious backyard problems… And Ray is a fountain of knowledge about our house. He tells a most pathetic story. Ok, the guy who owned our house before… He had lived there three weeks. And the pool was so nasty that he decided to clean it. He didn’t know a lot about cleaning pools so he drained most of the water out and started scrubbing. It was a big job… He scrubbed and scrubbed… But he got tired of it and didn’t finish. And it started to rain. And it rained and rained and rained. And the rain seeped into the ground and started to fill up the space beneath the pool. Since the pool was nearly empty, it didn’t weigh as much as it should. And as the ground became more and more saturated the pool started to lift up out of its hole. And it cracked. And when our hapless homeowner called to get a repair estimate of $8000, he snapped. He said No Way! And busted that pool up and buried its remains. So James and I have an underground pool. We think it should be listed as a feature if we ever sell this house.